I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
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Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
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No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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