I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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