So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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