what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
