Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
