I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
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So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
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All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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