New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
