My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Did I show you my penis last night?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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