So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
