it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
