I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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