RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Randomize
