my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
NoShamevember. You game?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
