just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
