you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
