You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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