Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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