is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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