he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
