drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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