I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
