Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
