Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
