I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
