Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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