cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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