Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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