Dude my mom stole all your condoms
whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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