"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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