How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
party gras won. party gras always wins.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
