It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
