Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
