Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
