I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
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I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
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We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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