When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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