God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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