So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
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i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
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Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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