The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
