I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
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