Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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