This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
