I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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