I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
