What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
