He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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