I accidentally had phone sex last night
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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