You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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