So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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