the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Randomize
