I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
