respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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