Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
