Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
