You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
