I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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