my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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