dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
whose parrot is this?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Randomize
