I just threw up on my dentist
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Let's get the cat blown out
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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